Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.