Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
You Might Also Like
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Google assistant rules
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
sugar glider wrangler
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.