My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!