The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Hero horse inspires millions
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.