“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
where the womens at?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Rather alarming headline…
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”