“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
This will never not be funny to me.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone