[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
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Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.