*pronounces UPS like yoops
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Sorry not sorry.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Good morning.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings: