My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.