Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
How does one answer this?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Just a phase…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk