People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.