NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
inventing words: clothing
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.