Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.