*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
And now we wait
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı