My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
how long have you had this for?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Butt weight. There’s more!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.