Mmmm. Shoeshi
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
i was baptized in a car wash
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I am never leaving this website
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter