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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.