Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
You Might Also Like
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Spa day..😅
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Shower sex be like:
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next