AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
You sure about that?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Ironic
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.