He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes