Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
You Might Also Like
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money