Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
men, we mow at sunrise.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
January has been Januweary
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.