I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
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(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes