ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?