Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
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Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.