Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Oh thanks BBC.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
😅🤣😂
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her