I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me after drinking all the wine:
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need