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[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.