[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it