Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I have never related to anyone more.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic