Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.