If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.