Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
choose your gary
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit