I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*