Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
You Might Also Like
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice