I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Noah was an idiot.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that