I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
They did not miss in the small print
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
It’s a gift
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*