Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.