It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog