I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Breaking news:
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.