If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
You Might Also Like
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Love is always patient and kind.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light