[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*