If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
You Might Also Like
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.