We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
🤭😂
Breaking news:
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on