Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
OMG 🤣🤣
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hey i am sexy to you now
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.