My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life