What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Coffee for people with no kids
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Netflix and awkward silence?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
X-tra spooky blend
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???