Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.