DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”