*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The struggle is real.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️